Navigating Grief: Getting rid of a loved ones things
Our latest Youtube Video has arrived.
Deciding when and how to part with your loved one’s belongings after they’ve passed is a deeply personal decision. The idea of letting go of these items can feel overwhelming and painful.
In this video, I share insights and personal experiences that might help guide you through this difficult process. This isn’t easy to talk about, but it’s a reality we all face. If you’re struggling with this, or if the thought of it is weighing on you, we hope this video will help you.
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With Love, CJ
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Transcript:
How do you handle your loved ones things after they pass? This is a very unique and specific thing to each person. As grief and its journey is unique to each person. This one is even more personal, I think because there's so much that is tied up into everything that our loved ones left behind. And it's not, they're just their clothes or their toothbrush.
So makeup brushes, things that they used. It's everywhere in the house. It's the things that they touched on a daily basis. It all kind of hits you at some point in your journey. And I remember for me, it was after the 10 days or two weeks. We did the funeral. And then I came home for the first time and the house was dead silence.
It was deafening. And just walking around the house and imagining. What was Ariana's thoughts the last time? That she put that thing down, whether it was her makeup brushes, seeing pile of clothes on the floor. A certain utensil that she used all the time, just walking around the house. And in the beginning of those thoughts were very haunting. 'cause, it was like, this was the only last tangible thing that I had of her. And you just want to, you want to hold onto it. And try to capture some of their essence because you don't want to let them go.
And, or at least for me, I didn't want to let her go. It was so early on. But it becomes understanding your relationship to those things are and what your relationship to your loved one is after they've passed on. And understanding where you're existing within your grief. How has your relationship to grief transformed?
How has your ability to hold and expand yourself with your grief. Where are you in that? And just knowing how you feel. You don't have to get rid of anything. You don't have to change things. You don't have to bag everything up and throw it away. You don't have to put it into storage. You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel right for you and for your family. But specifically for you. For me I ended up tearing the entire house apart.
And I literally mean that I went room by room for months. And I would take everything out of the room. Look at everything that it was throw away everything that I didn't want and put things back. In a new place and it was almost like I was rebuilding the house for me and for the kids as a new family unit without Ariana. And all of her things, , I pretty quickly put them all into storage.
For me it was almost necessary because I needed to get rid of things in her closet. Cause I was having construction done. But it really helped force me to do it. And I felt ready to do it. I felt ready to kind of keep her things tidy up, put them in the basement, keep them stored away for a time that we want to go back and revisit them. But you have to really understand are you holding onto their things because you haven't. shifted your perspective of your relationship with them. Are you holding onto their things because it's bringing you joy and peace. Are you holding onto their things because you're afraid. And only you can answer that.
And it's important for you to keep asking yourself, keep checking in with yourself. . I t could start with their toothbrush. And then as the time goes on, whatever that timeframe is for you and your journey. It could be the picture on the wall. Do you want to move that somewhere else? Do you want to take it down?
Do you want to keep it up? These are decisions that you get to make. But it's important to keep asking yourself why you're making those decisions. Why are you holding on, why do you want to get rid of, and why do you want to change? And really. I would encourage you to come to a place of peace. And a place of joy and love. And deciding what you want to do with those things, as opposed to a place of being tormented by them. And allowing yourself to exist in that torment. Because. That an angst that that sadness, that torment. Is how we relate to our loved ones when they first pass. That is like one of the beginning parts of our journey is existing within that pain. And for me, it was so long. That I would hold on to that.
And I felt I could not remove myself from this pain. I could not remove myself from that sadness because that was my connection to Ariana. And I had to do a lot of work to redefine what that connection was. And once I knew that I can tap into joy and love for her. Not all the time, it's still a work in progress, but once I knew that perspective was beginning to shift and my relationship with her is beginning to shift. It became much easier to put her things away. Because i wanted to keep her stuff there for the kids.
I wanted to keep some of those important things as her legacy and her memory. But that I didn't need them out in the house. I do still have pictures up because she will not be removed from my life. She's very much a part of my life and my kids' life and always will be. So that was a choice that I made to keep pictures up because I don't want them to come down. And for me, it's joy to see the life that we live together. Although sometimes it can hurt to look at it, but overall it's that joy.
So really just evaluate for yourself. Why are you keeping the things around? Or why aren't you keeping the things around and ask yourself, is this coming from a place of joy and connection or more, I would say love and connection, or is this coming from a place of fear and sadness.
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