My back became sore, laying against the wooden floor. I shifted my legs and swept my arms up and down. My body danced around, searching for a comfortable enough position so I could get a few hours of sleep. Above me on the bed, the kids were laid out like puzzle pieces. Each one was careful not to kick or roll into her. She was finally resting - sleeping - existing halfway between this world and the next. It was her first night of hospice. 

I stared at the ceiling. There was nothing left for me to do but try and sleep and prepare myself for the days ahead. I closed my eyes, and everything began to darken. My vision faded into something like a dream. I dropped into a void of nothingness. My body was paralyzed.

I felt myself looking through her eyes and sensed her floating between two worlds. I began to shake. I lost control of my body and the power of my experience. Then a voice emerged. A faint whisper. "CJ....CJ...C," it repeated. Ariana called out to me. My body bent in half. I gasped for air. Stood up and ran to her side. 

"Hey, babe. I'm here. What is it? What do you need?" my body still shaking.

"CJ. It's time."

"It's time for what?" I asked. 

"I'm ready. I'm ready to go. It's time. Call everyone." Ariana whispered. 

My stomach shifted. I moved away from the bed and reached for my phone. I stood up and began pacing the floor of our room. I made my way down the list of family. One by one, waking them up, and insisting they come back. Every few steps, I looked over at the bed. The kids and Ariana were saying their goodbyes.

"I love you," Ariana told them.

"No. No...mommy." the kids cried.

"It's okay. It's time for me to go. I love you guys so much."

"Mommy....no....mommy." 

My hands became uncontrollable. Shaking. Trembling. My family started to show up. They all took their turn, saying their goodbyes. I watched from a distance. I stayed focused on everyone else. It was too much for my mind to accept what was happening. But the night grew on. My throat burned, and my head throbbed. And soon, I found myself in bed. 

I looked over at her, and I broke. I crawled over her unmoving body. I closed my eyes and felt a hand reaching into my chest. It searched around, looking for my heart, grabbed hold, and squeezed as hard as it could. I screamed, breaking my silence. My body convulsed, and I underwent a pain I had never felt before. I cried. My tears poured over Ariana, and the pain grew. Then the hand released its grip. I took a breath and felt it rooting again, searching for my soul. It pulled on the edges, tearing at the seams. Ripping my soul from hers. It was a surgery of the most barbaric kind. I wept. I screamed. I writhed in pain. 

The night crept, and dawn teased its light. Slowly, each person found their spot in the house, and when their tears ran dry, they fell asleep.

And for the next five days, the house was filled with food, people, laughter, and pain. Each day Ariana grew more distant. "She" disappeared. She retreated into an unknown world while her body did its best to fight a losing battle. 

On one of those days, desperate to feel her spirit again, I laid next to her on the bed. I moved my hand towards hers. Slowly and carefully holding it in mine. I turned to her and whispered in her ear.

"Ariana, if you can hear me, I need you to know how much I love you and how much I will miss you. I am so grateful for everything you did for me, gave me, and taught me. I will never forget you. I will never stop loving you." 

Her legs shot up, and her eyes popped open. I smiled and squeezed her hand tighter. I looked into her eyes and only saw pain. I panicked. She started to move erratically, so I jumped out of bed. My sister and uncle ran to her side to help her. I walked out of the room and out of that reality. 

I paced the hallway and repeated, "I hurt her. I hurt her. I'm failing to let her die in peace." My sight dimmed, and all the times I failed her played in a loop before my eyes. Fists formed, and I began to beat my sides. My spirit was pulled from my body. It was unable to bear the failure. And at that moment, the only person who could bring me back was dying in my bed.

Ariana settled again. Calm. Drugged. My uncle walked out of the room and towards me. He grabbed my arms to calm my beating. "You didn't do anything wrong, CJ." He repeated until my spirit rested back in my body. But the seed of hatred for myself was firmly planted that day. 

I walked back into the room and to her bedside. I dropped to the floor, too afraid to be near her. Too scared to hurt her again. 

A few more days passed until the morning of September 30, 2020. Her breathing was slow and shallow. We were tired. We needed it to end. For her to be at peace. She wasn't there anymore. So we decided to make it quiet for her. Hoping she needed stillness to move on. I opened the window. The cool breeze blew over her head, perched on her shoulder. She is beautiful, even in her death. I kissed her head and walked out of the room. To leave her to be alone.

I went downstairs to the kitchen table. I pulled the chair out and sat down. Conversations became background noise. My thoughts were consumed with death. Is she alive? Will I walk in, and she'll be gone? I looked around. Everyone was too tired to hide their pain. Faces bent, casually sitting around a table waiting for and giving space to someone so they could die. 

Time carried on. I stood up from the table and walked upstairs to the bedroom door. I paused. My hand reached for the handle. Trembled. I turned the knob, closed my eyes, and slid into the room. 

I didn't know what I wanted to see when I opened my eyes. How would I feel if she was dead? What would I do if she was still breathing? Was I strong enough to lose her, even though she was already gone? 

I opened my eyes and watched her chest. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Movement. My shoulders dropped. My Sun, Stars, Moon, and World lay bare, an animal trapped in its own mind, reduced to her family watching her, waiting for her final breath. 

I walked to the chair by her bedside and collapsed into it. Rested my chin in my hands and began talking. "Ariana. My love. I will be okay. You have prepared me. You have shown me and taught me all that I need to know. You have left me with more than I ever could have asked for. Thank you for everything you did for me, for our kids. So many people have come to our aid, and I now see that they care about me. That it isn't just you that they cared about. I'm sorry I couldn't see that before, but now I see it. It's okay, my sweet. Please go be at peace. No more pain. Please free yourself from your pain. You fought hard enough. I'm so proud of you." 

I leaned back in the chair. My back ached. My head pounded. It was not unlike the years I'd spent at her side in hospitals and doctors' offices. The nights and early mornings sleeping upright in hospital waiting rooms. I had spent the past five years waiting. Waiting for more bad news. Waiting for more pain. But mostly waiting to run to her and help her. And now, that was done. There was nothing left for me to do for her. I felt lost. Scared and so alone. 

I suffered. Ariana suffered more. 

The rest of the family joined me. We all sat quietly by her. Watching her. The seconds grew between each breath. Suddenly, a song broke out. One more breath. Then her jaw tightened. Released. Over. 

I fell back onto the floor. My son crumpled and screamed. I watched as his entire world fell before him. I realized then that I was alone to care for them. And I worried. How would I get them through this? Everyone left the room. The kids and I stayed behind. We said our final goodbye and walked out. 

I spent the next year learning how to live without her. Learning how to be "CJ" and not "CJ & Ariana." I watched as my family of four split apart. Grieving alone. Only to begin to find our way back to each other. 

I ripped the house apart and put it back together. I failed and succeeded and then failed again. I forgot conversations I had with people. I missed appointments. I was never on time. I didn't sleep. I cried. I screamed. I laughed. I screamed, and then I cried. 

I was angry, sad, broken, lost, and numb. I yelled at Ariana. I talked to her nearly every day, begging her to come back. I asked her to protect our son during his surgery to remove his tumor. But, most of all, I apologized for all my failures and prayed for her to forgive me. 

I lived my life still trying to please her. I spent my days worrying about her. Hoping to find some way I could protect her and make her feel loved. 

I am now in charge of her legacy. The stories I tell about her. The way I speak about her. The light I shed on our moments together. There is no fact-checker, and my mind bends and breaks at the thought of misrepresenting her. 

She is worthy of the truth. She is worthy of the legacy she built and how she cared for me, the kids, and those who came into her life. She is owed everything. 

And now, with a year of life over without her, I carry on. As I reflect on the past 17 years of having Ariana by my side, I note everything she gave to me. I see all the ways she loved me. The ways she lived so selflessly for the kids and me. I see all she did to support me in whatever endeavor I set out to do. She believed in me with her whole heart. And I know, I would not be where I am today without her by my side. I would not be the person I am, the father I am, or the friend I am, without her. 

And after a year, I still reluctantly go to bed each night and find myself drowning in a deep well of nothingness. No matter how much I laugh or cry, no matter what is different about the day, they all end the same. I have learned that this nothingness will remain. It will never leave me. It is only my capacity to carry it that grows. 

To you, who have held me up this past year when I could not carry myself, I will always have deep gratitude for you. To those that have been patient and honest with me, sat and listened to me, thank you. You, who, of all the things you could do, chose to read my ramblings, my heart is full because of you. And to my brothers who are walking the path I have walked, I will always be here for you. 

My love to you all.